The New Look

So I got bored and changed some things around.  I'd never really liked the dragon template, but it's a pain-in-the ass to find something you like, make sure it functions and suits your blog's overall theme.  (Well, the last one I guess I don't have to worry about much, since this blog doesn't have much of an actual theme.)  I ended up with the 1980s dragon-looking thing because, frankly, it was the only one I got to function properly that day.

This new template is one that I picked up a while ago.  I just loved the look of it.  It spoke to exactly what I picture when I think of this blog: some girl in mismatched clothes, crying alone in the corner with a bunny rabbit thrown in for no particular reason.  What?  You too?

I tested out the function for a little while before committing to it and viola! here it is finally put to good use.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Structured Format - (Topics +Time + Imagination) = To Hell With It

All right.  I gave my little gimmicky format a good run.  I wanted to challenge myself to stick to a particular format with this blog so I didn't find myself in a desperate rut and post crap like:

What did I learn today?  Life sucks.

  or

The world's youngest parents were from China in 1910.  They were 8 and 9.

The 5-point "lesson" was the reason most of my posts got deleted.  It worked out well enough that the damn blog didn't stall out.  Most of the time, though, I could only raise 2 or 3 good thoughts on the topic I wanted to address, so into the scrap heap it went.

So today's lesson:  It's time to retire that particular style. 

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe (I'm keeping my signature.)

Lack Of Internet + Lack Of Time x Lack Of Ambition = Lack Of Writing

Today's lesson:  This last week has been horrible at work and at home.  I've opened up my Blogger dashboard a few times this last week just to stare stupidly at it for about an hour, and then close it back up again.  That is, whenever I could even get on the internet....

What did I learn?

• Well, for one, I learned that I'll write no matter what.  I just won't do it here.  I found an online tutorial for writing HTML.  I'm not that far, and the lessons are not all that sophisticated, but I thought it would be to my advantage to learn something about it.  It was posted up in 2000, but it still seems to work well.  So far anyway, I'm only on lesson 8d.
• My computer has a button that connects/disconnects me with the network.  Huh.  It's a shiny blue button that my kids like to mash.  That's nice to know.
• Mr. A has been trying to entice me into playing an online game with him.  I like video games, but I typically shy away from playing games with 1/2 the world.  This game, however, has a character builder that appeals to my super tedious nature. I don't have so much fun playing the game, but I'm having a great time making characters and then deleting them.
• There is no 3 Strikes Law for when illness hits me, my home and my work at the same time.  Oh, and for some reason, everyone else that's sick gets to take time off from work, but not me.
• My kids can smell weakness, fear and exhaustion.  I have the bite marks to prove it.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

1 Week x 2 Kids - Activity = Misc.

This lesson: I need a life. Here are the other miscellaneous "amazing" revelations I've gathered over the last week of complete inertia...

What did I learn?

• When I finally get around to doing laundry after ignoring it for a couple of weeks, it turns into a 15 load, 2 day chore.
• It is unwise to take your contacts out while holding a ninja kick flipping baby.
• The Law of Offspring #59 is The Vacation Law. It reads that "Any child, upon the rare miracle that the parents get a chance to sleep in, must choose from the following options: A) Stay up incredibly late B) Wake up screaming in the middle of the night C) Wake up incredibly early D) All of the above." My children mostly chose D for an entire week.
• Coke and chocolate liqueur do not mix. Bleh.
  
• I have a weird obsession with widgets. If I see one on someone else's blog, I want it immediately. This is what I spent most of the week doing. Just trying out various widgets and deleting most of them because I can't make them work. I need help.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Blogging - Stepford Mommy Mentality = Enjoyable Reading

Today's Lesson: I'm kind of fucked in the head. As if that's a shocker. I have this weird sort of disdain for mommies who are too into their house and kids. I try to figure out what my problem is when everyone else gets excited about a $1.50 off of Tide or a new garbanzo bean recipe. I spent some time this week intentionally reading other mommy blogs. Why? (Seriously, why?)

What did I learn?

• Not only do other mommies get excited about these things, they actually blog about them. Like, entire paragraphs. Ugh. The next time I get sucked into looking at a blog called Exciting Extra-Fantastic Adventures Of Wonder Mom And Super Kids (I'm trying to make up a name, so if this is your blog....get over it) and it ends up being about trips to the Farmer's Market and homeschooling, I'm going to learn how to hack into the page and change the name to Captain Lame-o's Family's Unfortunate Non-Happenings.


• Celebrity blogs are about endorsements. I haven't read one yet that doesn't have an obvious product placement.


• There's an awful lot of TV show complaints in the mommy blog world. I've officially lost count of how many bloggers are discussing Jon & Kate +8. All of them are along the same vein: "this show is completely ridiculous...jon is too passive...kate is a witch....I don't know why I watch every show...blah, blah, blah." Um, stop watching the show then. I watched one episode, I hated it, I never watched it again. This has been a general, life-long peeve of mine. No one forces you to watch a TV show/watch a movie/listen to music. If there's nothing at all enjoyable about it, turn it off or quit your bitching. You don't get to eat the moldy leftovers then bitch about the food poisoning.


• Not all the shopping blogs are about saving money on useful items, such as that Tide I was making fun of. Tide is actually useful, I just can't get excited about it. Most of them that I've come across are about stuff like jeans, spa treatments, squid art (yep), and Slurpees. While I like looking at squid art in a spa while wearing jeans and drinking a Slurpee, I'm just drawing a blank trying to picture the person who looks forward to reading about how to save 20% on them.


• There are rare few mommy blogs that are written intelligently, entertaining, can depict home life without bogging the reader down with Home Ec. lessons (unless you have tips on how to get runny poop out of 6-inch shag, then I need to be your friend) and take a truly realistic approach to writing about their kids. Kudos to you! Go forth and clone thyself.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Day Off = Day Wasted

Today's Lesson: I made absolutely no plans for the day. As a result, I got a whole lot of nothing accomplished.

What did I learn?

• I'd rather make up my own blog society than join someone else's. I don't know why, but it makes me feel important to be the leader of a secret online blogger cult. Except I'm the only member.
  
• Most mommy blogs I visited today had a title that indicated mommy hits the sauce a lot.
  
• Men and Women search for different things on WebMD.com. Men's searches mostly have to do with their penis. Women's searches are just depressing.

Men's top 12:
1. Back pain
2. Check Your Moles
3. Premature Ejaculation
4. Hernia
5. Pomegranite Juice
6. Wine for a longer life
7. Male Contraceptive
8. Why hair goes gray
9. Prostate Cancer Vaccine
10. Foreplay
11. Sex Myths
12. Penis Enlargement

Women's Top 12:
1. Sunscreen
2. Fittest Cities
3. Bipolar Disorder
4. Farrah Fawcett
5. Swine Flu
6. Summer Depression
7. Sleep More, Weigh Less
8. Cancer Deaths
9. Why Skip Sex
10. Fibromyalgia Pain
11. 7 Rules For Eating
12. Cheerios Health Claim

• My 10 month old son will chase a ball around the living room floor for about an hour or so.
  
• Some people hate their kids / Some toy makers are psychos: http://www.cracked.com/article_17493_13-most-unintentionally-disturbing-childrens-toys.html
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Blog Templates = All Day Insanity

Trying to find a template for this blog took all damn day. The one I settled on isn't my first choice. My second choice. My 43rd choice. It was the first one that worked all day. Except those crazy buttons at the top. I don't know what they're supposed to do.

What did I learn?

• The more elegant the format, the more bugs it has.
  
• Most blog templates have fixed features that you don't want. And they're in Spanish.
  
• In order to uncover most of the bugs in the template, you have to add the gadgets you want. It's about an extra 1/2 hour of work to find out that your stuff overlaps ... that is, if it show up at all.
  
• I was about 2 failed templates away from sporting a Hello Kitty theme.
  
• Read all the comments before downloading the template. This will save you a lot of grief.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe