Let's Get Physical

So, now that I'm no longer about to die, I've decided to get serious again about my workout.  In the past this has not been a hugely successful endeavor because, inevitably, all of the following happens:

• The kids scream the whole time I'm out of the room.  I can hear them no matter how high the volume is on my iPod.
• Mr. A warns me that he has a raid (WoW) in 30 minutes so I'd better hurry up.
• Mr. A talks non-stop about how asshole-y the kids are pretty much every time I bring up my workout.
• I get sick.
• The kids get sick.
• Mr. A gets sick/throws his back out.
• I get home late from work too late to eat dinner and work out, so I have to choose.  I usually choose food.

There's a quote by Einstein that always runs through my mind right before I start working out again:

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

So, in order to make sure that my same failures do not rear their ugly heads, this time I will:

• Eat late lunches, so I don't have to worry so much about dinner.
• Tell Mr. A that his alternative to watching the kids until I'm damn-well done working out is to pay a gym.  Then I will also pay additional for said gym to watch my bratty kids.  Those gyms are more expensive than my kid's preschool.  I think he'll get the point.
• The illnesses....well there's not much else I can do about that.  We're just going to have to keep hand washing and monitoring of the kids' germ sharing (i.e.: no cup sharing and no toy biting)

Wish me luck!

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Confession (That I May Want To Take Back Later)

I never liked babysitting.  I did it anyway because it was the only way for a teenager to make money without having to a) apply and interview for anything and b) work with food.  I really didn't like having to try to figure out what to do with the kids for _____ hours until their parents came home.  I hated changing diapers.  I was absolutely no good when it came to discipline issues.  I just let the kids watch movies and play until their parents came home.  For the most part, it went okay, but it gave me no joy.

Flash forward almost 20 years later and I still can't stand babysitting.  Except now, they're my own kids.  I might sound like the worst mom ever right now, but please trust me when I say this isn't always how I feel.  Just right now.  I keep staving off the urge to gather them both up and lock them with their father in his office while I take a bubble bath and file my toenails. 

One is crying because...well, who the hell knows.  I just fed him, just changed him, just cuddled him, just gave him tooth drops.  I don't know what his deal is.  He just wants to cry on my knee while I'm typing and slobber all over my pants.  Occasionally, he'll try to bully my hands away from the keyboard.  I don't appreciate that.  I get the feeling that he just wants me to lug him around all day. 

I'm not 27 months pregnant, WeeMan.  I don't have a convenient kangaroo pouch to tuck you into.  You know, if you were a bird, I would have kicked your ass out of the house by now.

The other one, my girl, is whining at me.  It's typical 3-year old behavior, but I don't care.  I don't want to hear it.  She wants a cheese.  I get her some and sit back down to finish...whatever it is I'm doing.  No sooner do I get sat down and she's whining because she wants water.  It turns into a 10 minute long battle because I refuse to acknowledge her until she talks like a normal person.  I still can't get jack shit done.  This repeats all damn day: I want water, I want to play in my room, I want to play games, I want to color, I want food, I need to go potty....

Speaking of potty, she's in the bathroom every 5 minutes.  Which means, when I'm not getting up to get her one of the 40,000 things she thinks she needs, I'm having to go find out if she's really going to the bathroom, or if she's just playing in the medicine cabinet or squirting shampoo all over the floor.

And then this isn't even accounting for the fact that both kids are climbing all over me and/or literally in my face.  I really have a hard time with being physically confined and this is just way too much negative stimuli for me.

My solutions

For the girl: time out and time in her room.  I think one hour would give me enough time to stop eyeballing the roll of duct tape.

For the boy: I actually did just lock him in the office with his father.  Mr. A's been pissy with me all morning and he's decided to keep to himself.  Surprise!  It's a crying, clinging, snotty, screaming baby boy.  Congratulations.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Doesn't That Figure

I went back to the My Heritage site because it has all kinds of fun little doohickies to play with.

This time, I did the Look-Alike Meter. This will tell you if your child looks more like mom or dad. Before I did this, I always thought that my daughter looked more like her dad and my son looked more like me. Now I know:

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celeb - Collage - Morph

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

I will save these as a reference for the next time Mr. A complains that the children don't resemble him at all and starts asking questions about the mailman. (Our mailman is a woman, by the way...)

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

How 'Bout A Nice Warm Glass Of 'Shut The Hell Up'?

If I knew it was that easy, I would have done it a long time ago.  Oh, the peace!  Oh, the quiet!  Today I figured out how to simultaneously shut my husband up and get him to stop bitching to me about what the kids are doing.

Mr. Awesomeness:  I just want you to know that your son just ate your daughter's shoe.  I took it from his hand, which is covered in poop.  Also, all of the baby wipes are on the floor.

Awesomeness: *Blank stare* And....? (Ladies and gentlemen, this happens every day at 4:30.  It's not going to end up on the news.)

Mr. Awesomeness:  Well, I know you're in the zone over there ... *waves a snide hand in a circular motion toward my lunch and laptop*... but you should probably be checking on these kids every now and then.

Awesomeness:  Well I'd hate to do that because then I'd have to raise my allowance.  These kids have 2 parents and I'm not their babysitter.  Your son was also doing these things while you were on your computer and eating lunch.

Mr. Awesomeness: ...................

That's right, suck it.

P.S. As I'm writing this, he comes into the room and tells me:

You know, I was so distracted by the wanton destruction and lack of supervision that I forgot to wash my hands after I changed your son's shitty diaper.  I didn't remember until I caught myself picking my teeth.  It wouldn't be so bad, except I put cream on him.  I totally touched his asshole with the fingers I had in my mouth.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ahem.

Poker face.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

It's Different When It's Your Kid

How much do you want to bet?

My entire life, I've found body fluids horrifically disgusting.  Blood, pee, vomit, whatever.  I can't deal with it.  I put off having kids for years and years (for many reasons) knowing that I would have to deal with all of this stuff if I changed my mind and had them.

Now, I've got a 3 1/2 year old girl with a very upset stomach.  I'm by myself today, so I can't pawn the puke puddles off on Mr. A or his grandma like I usually do. 

The thing that makes me feel the worst is that I can't even snuggle my little girl right now (something that she desperately needs) because when she starts puking again I have to run away.

So this lesson:

Whoever said "It's different when it's your kid," lied.  It's no different, and I would say that it's actually worse.  Kids are constantly leaking some fluid or other and you really don't have a choice but to clean it up.  Blech.


"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Lack Of Internet + Lack Of Time x Lack Of Ambition = Lack Of Writing

Today's lesson:  This last week has been horrible at work and at home.  I've opened up my Blogger dashboard a few times this last week just to stare stupidly at it for about an hour, and then close it back up again.  That is, whenever I could even get on the internet....

What did I learn?

• Well, for one, I learned that I'll write no matter what.  I just won't do it here.  I found an online tutorial for writing HTML.  I'm not that far, and the lessons are not all that sophisticated, but I thought it would be to my advantage to learn something about it.  It was posted up in 2000, but it still seems to work well.  So far anyway, I'm only on lesson 8d.
• My computer has a button that connects/disconnects me with the network.  Huh.  It's a shiny blue button that my kids like to mash.  That's nice to know.
• Mr. A has been trying to entice me into playing an online game with him.  I like video games, but I typically shy away from playing games with 1/2 the world.  This game, however, has a character builder that appeals to my super tedious nature. I don't have so much fun playing the game, but I'm having a great time making characters and then deleting them.
• There is no 3 Strikes Law for when illness hits me, my home and my work at the same time.  Oh, and for some reason, everyone else that's sick gets to take time off from work, but not me.
• My kids can smell weakness, fear and exhaustion.  I have the bite marks to prove it.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

3-Year Old + Cupcakes = Chocolate Explosion

Today's lesson: I suck at making cupcakes. The only person who sucks worse than me at making cupcakes is my 3-year old daughter. We made cupcakes together.

What did I learn?

• Don't put the first dozen cupcakes in the oven before pouring the second dozen. All that left over batter was supposed to go in the first batch. Congratulations, we now have baby cakes.
• Timers. Timers are nice for timing how long the cupcakes have been in the oven. I should remember that for next time.
• When I put the cooling racks on the counter I really should push them back out of my daughter's reach. Especially when they have cupcakes on 'em.
• When I ask my daughter to help me frost, I should be more specific about the frosting to cupcake ratio. We got either a little frosting with the cupcake or a little cupcake with the frosting.
• According to the kid, when she's done licking the whisk, it goes back in drawer with all the clean dishes.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

No Nap Kids + Restaurant = YOU SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER STUPID!

This lesson: After quite a few successful outings with both of my kids (well, successful on their part, other people tried to ruin them, just not my kids), they were finally "those kids" at a restaurant yesterday.

What did I learn?

• A good server can sense when drinks get spilled and magically appear with new drinks and lots of towels. Thanks Ariel!

• Sometimes, when the drinks get spilled, it's Dada's fault. Sorry I blamed it on you ScapeGoatGirl.

• My son likes cheese ravioli. Just not enough to stop him from screeching like a spider monkey on crack.

• A plastic straw can stab through Styrofoam, thus leaking chocolate milk all over the table. This time it was your fault, ScapeGoatGirl.

• It only takes 5 seconds for a good server to sense that things have gone from bad to worse at your table and to stop by with an offer -- that I'm sure also doubled as a demand from the kitchen staff (we were seated right next to the open kitchen) -- to box the food up so we could get the hell out. Again, thanks Ariel. I hope my husband tipped you well.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

1 Week x 2 Kids - Activity = Misc.

This lesson: I need a life. Here are the other miscellaneous "amazing" revelations I've gathered over the last week of complete inertia...

What did I learn?

• When I finally get around to doing laundry after ignoring it for a couple of weeks, it turns into a 15 load, 2 day chore.
• It is unwise to take your contacts out while holding a ninja kick flipping baby.
• The Law of Offspring #59 is The Vacation Law. It reads that "Any child, upon the rare miracle that the parents get a chance to sleep in, must choose from the following options: A) Stay up incredibly late B) Wake up screaming in the middle of the night C) Wake up incredibly early D) All of the above." My children mostly chose D for an entire week.
• Coke and chocolate liqueur do not mix. Bleh.
  
• I have a weird obsession with widgets. If I see one on someone else's blog, I want it immediately. This is what I spent most of the week doing. Just trying out various widgets and deleting most of them because I can't make them work. I need help.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Vacation - Plans < Vacation + Plans

Today's Lesson: It always sounds wonderful not to have any scheduled activities for my vacation time from work. My work day is just so regimented and I'm just not naturally a person who takes to structure. Having some goals, though, is a good thing. Otherwise, I'm sitting on my ass all day watching everything we own pile up all around me.

What did I learn (so far)?

• If I litter the floor with the kids' water sippies, they will just randomly walk by and drink from them when they're thirsty.


• My living room rug smells like ass, feet and vomit. It's 6-inch shag. I'm not sure how to clean that.


• My kids are content to play all day so long as I don't get up to try to do something. If I do, then they want or need my attention.


• I actually own Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans. How long has that been there?


• If you Google "things you need to know" you get "50 Things You Need To Know By 50". It includes such pearls as: Do the dishes naked. Growing your sideburns a 1/2 inch longer will make you look slimmer. You are not going to win the lottery. If someone says "Smell this," don't.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Special Occasion + Hubby = Child Sickness

This lesson: Hubby is not allowed to have a special occasion of any kind honoring only him. The minute he's thinking he's going to get a special day, one or both of the kids turn up sick.

What did I learn?

• Some asshole, who will remain nameless, has encouraged my daughter to pick her nose then hand it to you. In your hand. Kleenex will not do.


• When the baby is making gaggy noises, sometimes it's because he wants to spew pea soup all down the front of you.


• Sick babies don't like diapers.


• Masking tape is great for keeping diapers on sick babies.


• Clingy babies are counterproductive. Unless you want to sit on your ass and look up stupid crap on the internet all day. Hey everyone! Did you know that people like to make earrings out of Manus Island tree snails? So much so that they are now close to extinction. Gosh, I'm ready for Jeopardy! now.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Bored Preschooler + Computer = TMI About Elmo Potty Habits

This Lesson: sesamestreet.org is a lot of fun for kids, but some of their games are a little crazy. Tonight my daughter played Elmo's Potty Time.

What did I learn?

• Going potty in the supermarket is a special adventure! (it's called scabies Elmo)


• Elmo and Zoe cannot possibly play "Doctor, Lumberjack and Astronaut" without Baby Bear. (that game does not sound wholesome)


• Elmo's daddy is kind of stingy about reading really loud so that Elmo can hear his story while he's going potty.


• When you're on Young McElmo's farm, you see a llama.


• When clowns have to go potty, they like to have the kids hold their suspiciously penis-like balloon animals.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Day Off = Day Wasted

Today's Lesson: I made absolutely no plans for the day. As a result, I got a whole lot of nothing accomplished.

What did I learn?

• I'd rather make up my own blog society than join someone else's. I don't know why, but it makes me feel important to be the leader of a secret online blogger cult. Except I'm the only member.
  
• Most mommy blogs I visited today had a title that indicated mommy hits the sauce a lot.
  
• Men and Women search for different things on WebMD.com. Men's searches mostly have to do with their penis. Women's searches are just depressing.

Men's top 12:
1. Back pain
2. Check Your Moles
3. Premature Ejaculation
4. Hernia
5. Pomegranite Juice
6. Wine for a longer life
7. Male Contraceptive
8. Why hair goes gray
9. Prostate Cancer Vaccine
10. Foreplay
11. Sex Myths
12. Penis Enlargement

Women's Top 12:
1. Sunscreen
2. Fittest Cities
3. Bipolar Disorder
4. Farrah Fawcett
5. Swine Flu
6. Summer Depression
7. Sleep More, Weigh Less
8. Cancer Deaths
9. Why Skip Sex
10. Fibromyalgia Pain
11. 7 Rules For Eating
12. Cheerios Health Claim

• My 10 month old son will chase a ball around the living room floor for about an hour or so.
  
• Some people hate their kids / Some toy makers are psychos: http://www.cracked.com/article_17493_13-most-unintentionally-disturbing-childrens-toys.html
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Shower + Coffee < Sleep

This lesson: Why I don't co sleep or keep my kids in the same room at night. The last couple of nights we've all slept in the front room. I don't think we're going for a three-peat.

What did I learn?

• My son can sleep through anything but cartoons and his sister's crying.
  
• When the girl wakes up in the middle of the night, she cries just because she needs more sleep. She'll tell you this herself.
  
• My kids flail around like they're on fire when they sleep.
  
• My 11 month old son snores.
  
• My daughter gets pissy when she wakes up in the middle of the night and the TV isn't on/isn't playing cartoons. Hmmm. Must be broken.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Plans < Kids

The Lesson: You can have plans or you can have kids. Not both. I had planned to take my husband out today for a nice steak lunch, then ... BLLLEEEEEEEGGGGHHHH! The girl child is spewing and she's on fire.

What did I learn?

• Mickey Mouse is the best medicine for a sick kid.


• Water on a sensitive belly = more bllleeeeeegggghhhhh.


• It is impossible to keep 2 small children separated.


• According to my girl, running the thermometer across your forehead makes you feel "much better."


• Pedialyte is gross. Kids won't even drink it in Popsicle form.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

SPF = Crazy Glue

This Lesson: Sunblock will not come out of the upholstery of your dining room chairs.

What did I learn?

• Dad is a crappy babysitter.
• Sunblock is a fun toy for a 3 year old.
  
• You find out just how much hair is blended into your rug when you try to scrub sunblock out of it.
  
• Scrubbing sunblock off of 15 different surfaces and 2 children is no fun after a 10-mile bike ride.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe