Alcohol + Video Games x Old Age = A Megaton Of Regret

This lesson: It's all about why I don't normally drink. In 1999, I was celebrating New Year and I partied a little too hard and got alcohol poisoning. Well, what do you want? The world was supposed to end. I got ripped off.

Flash forward to today, 10 years later and I still can't really drink right. I get sick whenever I smell alcohol.

What did I learn?

• When I mix Smirnoff Vanilla with Kahlua in Coke, there is no alcohol smell. Only vanilla and coke.
  
• It only took 3 glasses of this to get me completely wasted. Incidentally, it also got me curled up in a cold sweat on the bathroom floor this morning.
  
• Outlaw Golf for the Xbox is tons of fun. It's even more fun when you're wasted.
• Steve Carell is the announcer for Outlaw Golf. I wonder what they would have to pay him for that same gig today...
• Playing video games until 4:00 in the morning when you know your kids will wake up anytime after 5:00 is beyond stupid.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Broken Machinery + Repairmen + Me = A Long Week

This week's lesson: Stupid cheap machines are always breaking down at work. One in particular this last week. This is a big part of the reason why I'm brain dead.

What did I learn?

• No matter how many times I tell my staff how to call for service - and how many times I write it down everywhere - the information mysteriously vanishes and it's up to me to save the day.
• If the repairman turns the machine off, then turns it back on again, doesn't test it, proudly proclaims, "Well, it's fixed!" before he runs out the door.... then I should just go ahead and call for the next repair before he hits his truck. It'll save some time and aggravation.
  
• The repairmen can only come either during my lunch or at 10 minutes to closing time.
• If a repairman gives you his business card just throw it in the trash. You have to call the Service Department anyway, so what good is it to have a card?
  
• If the machine in question has looked exactly the same every day for the last 6 years, then all of a sudden something is wrong, the problem has to do with the part that looks different. Well, in all fairness, I knew that right away. It took the repair guy 1 & 1/2 hours and a consultation to figure it out. Don't argue with me buddy. I might not have gone to machine repair school, but I have eyes and a brain. Sometimes they like to coordinate.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Talking Out Of Your Ass - Imagination = The News

The Lesson: I don't normally watch the news. Aside from the fact that they typically just cycle through the same 5 stories, but they choose to break those up with "news of the weird" stories that no one cares about. Not that this is news to anyone.

What did I learn?

• In Israel, some chicks ran in heels. Incidentally, I do this all the time and it never gets covered on the news.
• Some hallucinating wackos think they see the Virgin Mary in bird poop.
• "Coming up after the break: A man who took the plunge...out of an airplane." It's called skydiving, idiot.
• Some kid who sailed around the world "might just be an adventurer."
• The lead in: "Some kids get a chance to entertain their inner wizard." The story: Some kids go to a camp where they play with frogs. The name of the camp: Frogwarts.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

1 Week x 2 Kids - Activity = Misc.

This lesson: I need a life. Here are the other miscellaneous "amazing" revelations I've gathered over the last week of complete inertia...

What did I learn?

• When I finally get around to doing laundry after ignoring it for a couple of weeks, it turns into a 15 load, 2 day chore.
• It is unwise to take your contacts out while holding a ninja kick flipping baby.
• The Law of Offspring #59 is The Vacation Law. It reads that "Any child, upon the rare miracle that the parents get a chance to sleep in, must choose from the following options: A) Stay up incredibly late B) Wake up screaming in the middle of the night C) Wake up incredibly early D) All of the above." My children mostly chose D for an entire week.
• Coke and chocolate liqueur do not mix. Bleh.
  
• I have a weird obsession with widgets. If I see one on someone else's blog, I want it immediately. This is what I spent most of the week doing. Just trying out various widgets and deleting most of them because I can't make them work. I need help.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Blogging - Stepford Mommy Mentality = Enjoyable Reading

Today's Lesson: I'm kind of fucked in the head. As if that's a shocker. I have this weird sort of disdain for mommies who are too into their house and kids. I try to figure out what my problem is when everyone else gets excited about a $1.50 off of Tide or a new garbanzo bean recipe. I spent some time this week intentionally reading other mommy blogs. Why? (Seriously, why?)

What did I learn?

• Not only do other mommies get excited about these things, they actually blog about them. Like, entire paragraphs. Ugh. The next time I get sucked into looking at a blog called Exciting Extra-Fantastic Adventures Of Wonder Mom And Super Kids (I'm trying to make up a name, so if this is your blog....get over it) and it ends up being about trips to the Farmer's Market and homeschooling, I'm going to learn how to hack into the page and change the name to Captain Lame-o's Family's Unfortunate Non-Happenings.


• Celebrity blogs are about endorsements. I haven't read one yet that doesn't have an obvious product placement.


• There's an awful lot of TV show complaints in the mommy blog world. I've officially lost count of how many bloggers are discussing Jon & Kate +8. All of them are along the same vein: "this show is completely ridiculous...jon is too passive...kate is a witch....I don't know why I watch every show...blah, blah, blah." Um, stop watching the show then. I watched one episode, I hated it, I never watched it again. This has been a general, life-long peeve of mine. No one forces you to watch a TV show/watch a movie/listen to music. If there's nothing at all enjoyable about it, turn it off or quit your bitching. You don't get to eat the moldy leftovers then bitch about the food poisoning.


• Not all the shopping blogs are about saving money on useful items, such as that Tide I was making fun of. Tide is actually useful, I just can't get excited about it. Most of them that I've come across are about stuff like jeans, spa treatments, squid art (yep), and Slurpees. While I like looking at squid art in a spa while wearing jeans and drinking a Slurpee, I'm just drawing a blank trying to picture the person who looks forward to reading about how to save 20% on them.


• There are rare few mommy blogs that are written intelligently, entertaining, can depict home life without bogging the reader down with Home Ec. lessons (unless you have tips on how to get runny poop out of 6-inch shag, then I need to be your friend) and take a truly realistic approach to writing about their kids. Kudos to you! Go forth and clone thyself.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Vacation - Plans < Vacation + Plans

Today's Lesson: It always sounds wonderful not to have any scheduled activities for my vacation time from work. My work day is just so regimented and I'm just not naturally a person who takes to structure. Having some goals, though, is a good thing. Otherwise, I'm sitting on my ass all day watching everything we own pile up all around me.

What did I learn (so far)?

• If I litter the floor with the kids' water sippies, they will just randomly walk by and drink from them when they're thirsty.


• My living room rug smells like ass, feet and vomit. It's 6-inch shag. I'm not sure how to clean that.


• My kids are content to play all day so long as I don't get up to try to do something. If I do, then they want or need my attention.


• I actually own Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans. How long has that been there?


• If you Google "things you need to know" you get "50 Things You Need To Know By 50". It includes such pearls as: Do the dishes naked. Growing your sideburns a 1/2 inch longer will make you look slimmer. You are not going to win the lottery. If someone says "Smell this," don't.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Special Occasion + Hubby = Child Sickness

This lesson: Hubby is not allowed to have a special occasion of any kind honoring only him. The minute he's thinking he's going to get a special day, one or both of the kids turn up sick.

What did I learn?

• Some asshole, who will remain nameless, has encouraged my daughter to pick her nose then hand it to you. In your hand. Kleenex will not do.


• When the baby is making gaggy noises, sometimes it's because he wants to spew pea soup all down the front of you.


• Sick babies don't like diapers.


• Masking tape is great for keeping diapers on sick babies.


• Clingy babies are counterproductive. Unless you want to sit on your ass and look up stupid crap on the internet all day. Hey everyone! Did you know that people like to make earrings out of Manus Island tree snails? So much so that they are now close to extinction. Gosh, I'm ready for Jeopardy! now.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Bored Preschooler + Computer = TMI About Elmo Potty Habits

This Lesson: sesamestreet.org is a lot of fun for kids, but some of their games are a little crazy. Tonight my daughter played Elmo's Potty Time.

What did I learn?

• Going potty in the supermarket is a special adventure! (it's called scabies Elmo)


• Elmo and Zoe cannot possibly play "Doctor, Lumberjack and Astronaut" without Baby Bear. (that game does not sound wholesome)


• Elmo's daddy is kind of stingy about reading really loud so that Elmo can hear his story while he's going potty.


• When you're on Young McElmo's farm, you see a llama.


• When clowns have to go potty, they like to have the kids hold their suspiciously penis-like balloon animals.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe