Sudden Illness - Ability To Keep It To Myself = Instant Hypochondriac Pity Party For Coworkers

The Lesson: I haven't been feeling well for a while now. Just a sore throat, not anything real serious. Then today after lunch:

I don't know if it's the cold or a sinus infection, but all of a sudden I felt like I was made of lead weights. My throat flared up full-force. My nasal passages have that weird dry-but-full feeling and my head and eyes ache.

No sooner had I gotten past the denial stage, then I did something terribly dumb: I mentioned it out loud. Cue the old man and the Munchausen lady.


What did I learn?

• Viruses can be verbally transmitted.
• Everyone else's sickness is somehow worse than mine. Even though they were just fine 5 minutes ago.
• Fake sickness is far more dibilitating than real sickness. Within 2 hours, they were carrying on like they were barely conscious and they went home early.
• Leftover pizza does not go over well with a sore throat.
• When I'm too tired to get up and find the remote, my 3 year old will watch Family Guy. "Mama, where puppy go?" Well, they threw the puppy out of the window and shot it....
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Opening Weekend + Everyone In Town = Good Luck

Today's lesson: We went to see Transformers 2. I'm not sure why we thought opening weekend was a good time to watch it. I think we're getting senile in our old age. We used to go to the movies just about every weekend before the kids. It was our hobby. Now we're making rookie mistakes again.


What did I learn?

• People are fucking insane. There was a line to see this movie wrapped completely down one side and around the corner of the building. We live in the desert where it's 109 degrees out. There's no shade at this particular theater. It's really not worth all that just to see a movie right now as opposed to a week or two later.


• The people in the ticket line don't bother to listen to the cashiers at the ticket window. We knew 3 people ahead of us that we would be moved to the "Timbuktu" line if we wanted to see Transformers.


• The theater's idea of accommodating all of the people who were patiently waiting involved tiny urine-sample-sized cups of (what had to be) hot water. Gee thanks Scooter. I feel so refreshed now.


• When it was time for another showing, 2 employees would count off patrons and then escort them inside so they could wait in line some more for the theater to empty out and be cleaned.


• The movie we went to see instead (because we're not bonkers): The Hangover. My nomination for the funniest movie of all time. I'm not even going to qualify that.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

My Brain - 1 Week Of Sleep = IQ of 7

The Lesson: I wish I knew. After a week of tending to sick vampire kids and working, I have the mental capacity of a barnacle.

What did I learn?

• After you turn 30, falling asleep on the couch costs you the use of one of your body parts. The couch will exact it's preferred toll. Last night, it wanted my left shoulder.


• The more tired I am, the worse I dress. I walked out the door this morning in beige slacks that are 2 sizes too big, and low-cut black baby doll style shirt that is described on the tag as being 100% modal. Whatever the hell that is. Oh yeah, then stick a lime green lycra-spandex cami under the shirt. You're visualizing..... you're visualizing..... you're visualizing...... and......you're barfing.


• You know you're getting desperate when you have to drink an Amp at 10:00 at night in order to ensure that you're able to stay awake until your 10 month old finally falls asleep. Just for the record, I fell asleep at midnight. Not for long, but I did sleep.


• When it takes you more than 10 seconds to remember what your first name is, you should probably call in sick.


• http://www.papajohns.com/ is the best dinner you'll never cook (or leave your house for).

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Day Off = Day Wasted

Today's Lesson: I made absolutely no plans for the day. As a result, I got a whole lot of nothing accomplished.

What did I learn?

• I'd rather make up my own blog society than join someone else's. I don't know why, but it makes me feel important to be the leader of a secret online blogger cult. Except I'm the only member.
  
• Most mommy blogs I visited today had a title that indicated mommy hits the sauce a lot.
  
• Men and Women search for different things on WebMD.com. Men's searches mostly have to do with their penis. Women's searches are just depressing.

Men's top 12:
1. Back pain
2. Check Your Moles
3. Premature Ejaculation
4. Hernia
5. Pomegranite Juice
6. Wine for a longer life
7. Male Contraceptive
8. Why hair goes gray
9. Prostate Cancer Vaccine
10. Foreplay
11. Sex Myths
12. Penis Enlargement

Women's Top 12:
1. Sunscreen
2. Fittest Cities
3. Bipolar Disorder
4. Farrah Fawcett
5. Swine Flu
6. Summer Depression
7. Sleep More, Weigh Less
8. Cancer Deaths
9. Why Skip Sex
10. Fibromyalgia Pain
11. 7 Rules For Eating
12. Cheerios Health Claim

• My 10 month old son will chase a ball around the living room floor for about an hour or so.
  
• Some people hate their kids / Some toy makers are psychos: http://www.cracked.com/article_17493_13-most-unintentionally-disturbing-childrens-toys.html
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

My Employees = Hell's Angels' Prissy Little Sisters

The Lesson: Whenever your 18/19 year old employees tell you, "Don't ask." you should just take their word for it.

What did I learn?

• When my boys are bored at work, they form ridiculous motorcycle gangs.


• The guard is helping them find recruits.


• The name of their gang? The Hissy Pussies. Like I said: don't ask.


• Their uniform will consist of helmets that have fake cat ears and a pull-string noise box (think old style baby dolls) that makes a hissy cat noise when you pull it.


• While this country is facing one of the worst economic crises since the Great Depression and people with families are having a hard time getting jobs at McDonalds, these kids are getting paid to map out the destiny of The Hissy Pussies. Kinda makes you sick when you think about it.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Shower + Coffee < Sleep

This lesson: Why I don't co sleep or keep my kids in the same room at night. The last couple of nights we've all slept in the front room. I don't think we're going for a three-peat.

What did I learn?

• My son can sleep through anything but cartoons and his sister's crying.
  
• When the girl wakes up in the middle of the night, she cries just because she needs more sleep. She'll tell you this herself.
  
• My kids flail around like they're on fire when they sleep.
  
• My 11 month old son snores.
  
• My daughter gets pissy when she wakes up in the middle of the night and the TV isn't on/isn't playing cartoons. Hmmm. Must be broken.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Plans < Kids

The Lesson: You can have plans or you can have kids. Not both. I had planned to take my husband out today for a nice steak lunch, then ... BLLLEEEEEEEGGGGHHHH! The girl child is spewing and she's on fire.

What did I learn?

• Mickey Mouse is the best medicine for a sick kid.


• Water on a sensitive belly = more bllleeeeeegggghhhhh.


• It is impossible to keep 2 small children separated.


• According to my girl, running the thermometer across your forehead makes you feel "much better."


• Pedialyte is gross. Kids won't even drink it in Popsicle form.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Blog Templates = All Day Insanity

Trying to find a template for this blog took all damn day. The one I settled on isn't my first choice. My second choice. My 43rd choice. It was the first one that worked all day. Except those crazy buttons at the top. I don't know what they're supposed to do.

What did I learn?

• The more elegant the format, the more bugs it has.
  
• Most blog templates have fixed features that you don't want. And they're in Spanish.
  
• In order to uncover most of the bugs in the template, you have to add the gadgets you want. It's about an extra 1/2 hour of work to find out that your stuff overlaps ... that is, if it show up at all.
  
• I was about 2 failed templates away from sporting a Hello Kitty theme.
  
• Read all the comments before downloading the template. This will save you a lot of grief.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

SPF = Crazy Glue

This Lesson: Sunblock will not come out of the upholstery of your dining room chairs.

What did I learn?

• Dad is a crappy babysitter.
• Sunblock is a fun toy for a 3 year old.
  
• You find out just how much hair is blended into your rug when you try to scrub sunblock out of it.
  
• Scrubbing sunblock off of 15 different surfaces and 2 children is no fun after a 10-mile bike ride.

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe