Dentist - Sadism = Human Being

Today's lesson:  I really hate going to the dentist.  I've been putting off my cleanings and exams for longer than I'd like to admit.  My teeth are really not in bad shape in spite of this, but I did have a broken tooth (resulting from my last dentist) and needed a crown.  Today was the build-up and temporary.

What did I learn?

• My mouth is "teeny-tiny" it took them 15 minutes to find a tray that fit.  They referred to it as "the baby tray".  (Try telling that to my husband.  He thinks I have a big, fat mouth.)
• When I smile, I show most of my teeth.  You have no idea how self-conscious I am now.
• I had a habit of running my tongue over the broken tooth.  Wow.  I'm really creeped out by the fact that I had a quirk - potentially for years - and had no idea.
• The assistant who worked with me has had more dental work done than I have.  I'm not sure how to feel about that.
• My dentist is a great guy.  He actually called me at the end of his day to make sure I was doing fine.  Now, I'm a patient for life.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Leadership - Communication = Punishment

This lesson: This week was a really bad one at work.  Someone was off for vacation.  Another was off sick with a particularly virulent strain of the flu.  One was off "sick" because...she didn't want to be left out I guess.  In my opinion, the type of week that makes or breaks a group of employees as a team.  All was well....except when my manager was in the office.

What did I learn?

• When she barks orders and then takes the rest of the day off without clarifying, I'm better off just ignoring the orders all together.  Trying to do my interpretation of what she was requesting got the whole team in trouble.
• According to her, if at first, second, third or fourth you don't succeed, 2 more tries should do it.
• Scheduling us all to stay an hour later for 2 days out of the week so we can fail some more at her "master plan" accomplishes nothing except to breed resentment by all parties.
• Having us all stay late doesn't cut into her social calendar.  She's the exception to all of her rules.
• When she runs around the office putting out conflicting information to all the employees, somehow that's my fault.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

1 Weekend + Infinite Boredom = Bookmarks

This lesson: I vegged out in front of my computer this weekend. No one was chatting on the forum I haunt. No one emailed me. Even Facebook was dead. Nothing for a girl to do, but to explore the internet for some new non-porn entertainment.

What did I learn?

• That there are quite a few blogs dedicated to making fun of Facebook. Some of my favorites: STFU Parents, Lamebook, Oh Crap. My Parents Joined Facebook.
• I finally learned the significance of the crazy-looking bear on one of the Cake Wrecks cakes. It's a Pedo bear. (Of course, now I can't find it on Cake Wrecks to link over to it, so here it is on I Am Bored.)
• How to beat up an orange traffic cone.
• There is a blog totally dedicated to calling out yo-yos who use lowercase Ls in capitalized words. (Think lOSER)
• Ill-written break up letters read in a dramatic voice is actually funnier than I thought it would be.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

Full Moon + Triple-Digit Heat = Stupid People

This lesson: I don't know what was happening yesterday at work, but I was blessed with the privilege of being present for some of the dumbest things I've ever heard people utter in my life.

What did I learn?

• If we ask customers to identify themselves, it's only because our "office is small." Yep, if we had another 500 sq. ft. of space, we would know who you were. Brilliant idea.
• Receipts are for the "anal." We require receipts for some of our services because, as a company that deals in finances, we don't guess at dollar figures. That's what you pay us for, dork. So when you call us "anal" because we won't take your word that one of your items was for "about" $3.95, excuse me while I still insist on the receipt.
• Student ID that expired 18 years ago is "good enough for the police." I would love to watch that play out. I really would.
• "The credit card company lowered my spending limit. I'll show them, I just won't pay them." Direct quote. I'm interested to know if that pays off.
• It's not legal to charge fees. That's right. Any business who charges for services rendered is doing so illegally according to this guy. Let's shut 'em all down!
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

3-Year Old + Cupcakes = Chocolate Explosion

Today's lesson: I suck at making cupcakes. The only person who sucks worse than me at making cupcakes is my 3-year old daughter. We made cupcakes together.

What did I learn?

• Don't put the first dozen cupcakes in the oven before pouring the second dozen. All that left over batter was supposed to go in the first batch. Congratulations, we now have baby cakes.
• Timers. Timers are nice for timing how long the cupcakes have been in the oven. I should remember that for next time.
• When I put the cooling racks on the counter I really should push them back out of my daughter's reach. Especially when they have cupcakes on 'em.
• When I ask my daughter to help me frost, I should be more specific about the frosting to cupcake ratio. We got either a little frosting with the cupcake or a little cupcake with the frosting.
• According to the kid, when she's done licking the whisk, it goes back in drawer with all the clean dishes.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe

No Nap Kids + Restaurant = YOU SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER STUPID!

This lesson: After quite a few successful outings with both of my kids (well, successful on their part, other people tried to ruin them, just not my kids), they were finally "those kids" at a restaurant yesterday.

What did I learn?

• A good server can sense when drinks get spilled and magically appear with new drinks and lots of towels. Thanks Ariel!

• Sometimes, when the drinks get spilled, it's Dada's fault. Sorry I blamed it on you ScapeGoatGirl.

• My son likes cheese ravioli. Just not enough to stop him from screeching like a spider monkey on crack.

• A plastic straw can stab through Styrofoam, thus leaking chocolate milk all over the table. This time it was your fault, ScapeGoatGirl.

• It only takes 5 seconds for a good server to sense that things have gone from bad to worse at your table and to stop by with an offer -- that I'm sure also doubled as a demand from the kitchen staff (we were seated right next to the open kitchen) -- to box the food up so we could get the hell out. Again, thanks Ariel. I hope my husband tipped you well.
  

"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe