Your 30s: The Myth

Congratulations on making it to your 30s. If you weren’t already depressed about being a ‘real adult,’ let me thrill you with what you can expect from this decade of your life.

1. If they haven’t already, cashiers and waiters will stop asking you for ID when buying alcohol. Instead, what you get when you try to hand them your card is a very condescending, “That’s okay; I can see your gray hair.” This is one of the many horrifying ways you find out about:

2. Your first gray hair. When I was in my teens and 20s, I was very resolute to grow old gracefully. Whenever my gray hairs grew in, I would wear them with noble pride. I earned those hairs! Until the first one appeared. I ripped that puppy right off my head, as if it were some kind of alien mind control device implanted to entice me to play Bingo and eat prunes. Speaking of aging gracefully…

3. Ever since you were a teenager, you’ve been waiting impatiently for the day that you wouldn’t have to worry about pimples anymore. Well now you’re in for some unexpected fun, when you stop to wonder if the ingredients in your acne medication will interfere with the work your wrinkle cream is doing.

4. The people around you will refer to your age in some unflattering ways. It doesn’t matter if they’re older or younger than you either. Younger folks will continually make references to how “old” other people are. Then apologize when they find out that you’re only a year or two younger (or in some cases, older) than the person they’re referring to. The older ones are the worst though. This is when you get to hear about all the things that you should be doing “at your age.” For example, “Are you sure you don’t want to try this age-fighting moisturizer? You know, at your age, you should start worrying about fine lines.”  Thanks, I didn't have enough to feel insecure about.

5. Even if no one says anything, some hard truths about the passage of time will hit you in some more subtle ways. Over the last few years:

 I read announcements from my old childhood friends that “their baby” will be graduating high school soon. Can you believe it?
 Music that premiered in my teen years is in the category of “classic rock.”
 I am hiring people who were born just a year or two before I graduated high school.
 I am almost old enough to be my coworkers’ mother (assuming I started at 18). Next year it will be official, this will not be a good birthday.

When I was in my 20s, I figured that by the time I reached my 30s I would have life a bit more sorted out. I thought that I would start developing a wisdom that came with my age and that people and situations would start making more sense. While that’s true in some respects, I actually feel more like a preteen than an adult. Here are a couple of items to think about:

 When you’re in your 30s, your body starts to change in some unpleasant and frightening ways.
 You find that you’re still interested in entertaining yourself in much the same way that people a few years younger than you do, but you feel too old to indulge in those passtimes.

I’m not saying that it’s all bad, I just think that a girl could have used some warning. Here’s to hoping that I will get this shit worked out in my 40s.


"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe