If I knew it was that easy, I would have done it a long time ago. Oh, the peace! Oh, the quiet! Today I figured out how to simultaneously shut my husband up and get him to stop bitching to me about what the kids are doing.
Mr. Awesomeness: I just want you to know that your son just ate your daughter's shoe. I took it from his hand, which is covered in poop. Also, all of the baby wipes are on the floor.
Awesomeness: *Blank stare* And....? (Ladies and gentlemen, this happens every day at 4:30. It's not going to end up on the news.)
Mr. Awesomeness: Well, I know you're in the zone over there ... *waves a snide hand in a circular motion toward my lunch and laptop*... but you should probably be checking on these kids every now and then.
Awesomeness: Well I'd hate to do that because then I'd have to raise my allowance. These kids have 2 parents and I'm not their babysitter. Your son was also doing these things while you were on your computer and eating lunch.
Mr. Awesomeness: ...................
That's right, suck it.
P.S. As I'm writing this, he comes into the room and tells me:
You know, I was so distracted by the wanton destruction and lack of supervision that I forgot to wash my hands after I changed your son's shitty diaper. I didn't remember until I caught myself picking my teeth. It wouldn't be so bad, except I put cream on him. I totally touched his asshole with the fingers I had in my mouth.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ahem.
Poker face.
"Knowing is half the battle." - G.I. Joe
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